Starting Over Again
OK, this has been a tough week (and ironically my first week of vacation) but it has also been very enlightening. I was a hormonal pile of depression at the beginning of the week and by midweek, I decided to take back my life.
STEP ONE: CLEARING THE ENDO FOG. Back in April, my doctor started me on Lo Orval birth control. It was heaven the first month. I felt like the Endo fog had finally lifted. But alas, like so many other things in my life, I celebrated too soon. Last month was hell and this month was just down right horrific. I was in pain, I was moody, I found lumps in my breast (breast cancer runs in the family so I was freaking out)and I had fallen into a scary depression. But when my breasts swelled up an entire cup size overnight (Hot Dog would have been thrilled if we hadn’t ended things a year ago), I knew that this wasn’t the right course of threatment. So I have been off the pills for a few days and I am feeling like a human being again.
I think Lo Orval had too much Progesterone. Too much Progesterone has caused me to go a little insane in the past. So I figured it would be best to stop the craziness before I killed someone–though I would have a real good insanity defense if it ever went to trial.
I see my doctor on July 7th so we can do a full work up and talk about alternatives. Hopefully, someday, we will find the right hormone ratio to control the Endo.
STEP TWO: LETTING GO. I have been a sentimental sap lately. I have been thinking way too much about the past and what could have been. I can’t go back and change anything so I just have to let it go and stop with the “woulda, coulda, shoulda” bullshit. I know this sentimental mentality is mostly due to the hormones but enough is enough. There is a reason why time moves forward and not backward.
I have been trying to repair relations with people from my past (& some from my present) and I am the only one putting forth any effort to fix things. I admit I haven’t made the best decisions–again, I blame that on the Endo fog–but if people really cared, they would understand and put forth some effort as well. People can start emailing me or calling me for a change. Of course, if they have no interest in remaining friends, lack of actions speak louder than words, than c’est la vie. Arrivaderchi! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out of my life!!
STEP THREE: SELF-RESCUING PRINCESS. My mind is clearing and the Brinker Bitch is back. I’m so done with all the bullshit. I’m done with people making judgements on shit they know nothing about. They don’t like my car or my apartment or my choice of wardrobe or my friends. Well, I’m sending out a big “Fanculo” to those who think they can tell me what to do and how to live my life. I have my big girl panties on and I can handle things myself. Yes, I have gotten myself into trouble at times and I always get myself out. It would be nice if my loved ones started to have a little faith in me. I am a self-rescuing princess. I will ask for help if I should ever need it. I will be fine. I’m like a superball–I always bounce back and I never stay down for very long.
STEP FOUR: EMBRACE THE SIGNS. I have written several blogs about the Universe giving me signs through music. Well, I had some major “AHA” moments today and those songs came on the radio, again. Linkin Park followed by DHT. But instead of getting all pissed off or annoyed, I decided to sing along. I think I freaked out the people in the cars next to me but I don’t care. I completely understand what the songs are telling me to do and it had nothing to do with what I thought. I had hormonally sentimental Endo fog brain interpretting the songs, thinking it was all romantic and it’s not. It’s about my life in general. “This is not the End, this is not the Beginning,” and “Listen to your heart”–this is about some decisions that I have been struggling to make. I’m a Libra, I suck at decisions. But today, my next step, my happiness, was placed into my lap (thanks to my photo ladies who were with me today and opened my eyes). The Universe was telling me to let go, stop holding onto dreams that were never mine, to listen to my true heart’s desires, and to go after what I want. I need to stop listening to the negative naysayers–what goes around comes around–and I can have it all!
STEP FIVE: A FRESH START.The Endo Fog has lifted and I feel like myself again. I can think clearly again. I am actually grinning from ear to ear because I now know what I have to do and I am so excited. I am taking my life back and starting a new chapter. The past is “dead and gone.”