THE “L” WORD

On Twitter, I follow several zodiac feeds, specifically those for Libras.  The other day, there was a tweet stating that a Libra will only tell you they love you if they really do and they don’t take love lightly.  For Libras, the “L” word has to have meaning or they won’t use it.  As a Libra myself, I can say this is completely true.

Here in Hollywood, so many toss around the “L” word like a disposable commodity.  Industry people will tell you they love you while stabbing a knife in your back.  It makes it really hard to trust the sincerity when someone uses the “L” word around here.  So I can completely understand why someone from my past, a native Angeleno, never believed me when I told him I loved him.

In my 33 years, I have only ever told two men that I loved them.  The first didn’t return the gesture and the second didn’t believe me, telling me “that’s impossible.”  If the second really truly knew me, he would know that such a feeling is difficult for me to express and that due to my own trust & relationship issues, I would never lie about this particular emotion.  And after an incident that occurred today, I still feel this way about this man and I probably always will.

Lately, the Universe has been sending constant reminders of this man.  This week, it was like a fireworks attack and today was the finale.

Whether this man and I have a romantic future is of no real concern to me.  I would be happy just to be his friend again.  But we had a falling out last fall and he won’t respond to any of my inquiries or attempts to repair our friendship.  Not knowing whether or not he is OK is like pure torture for me.  I am one of those people who loves hard and would do anything for the ones I love.  I don’t handle disconnection well.

And I really don’t deal well with the gut feeling that someone I love is suffering.  When someone tells you that they want to go off to be alone and depressed then you don’t hear from them for months, your worry alarms go into overload.  You do everything you can to reach out, let them know you are there.  You practically turn into a stalker but it doesn’t matter.  You have this need to help them, protect them, take care of them because you love them.  It doesn’t matter if that love is romantic or friendly.  You love them and you want to be there for them.  They will test you and push you away but unless I am told to “go away” in a clear manner, I am not about to abandon anyone I care about.

Now this particular person has trust and relationship issues that far surpass mine, making him quite a challenge to reach.  I have seen his good side as well as the bad and I am still here.  But I made a mistake last fall.  I let my trust issues come into play and I pushed him away.  I picked a fight over something stupid because I was afraid.  And he did what I asked, he disappeared.  When I realized I made a mistake, it was too late to fix what I broke . . . what we both broke.

But today, a scare snapped me back into reality and I realized that I want him back in my life, even if it is just as friends.  But I don’t know what to do.  I promised him that I wouldn’t write about him but I am breaking that promise for a good cause.  I am hoping he will read this someday and realize that our friendship has turned into a whiteboard.  We can keep clearing it off as long as we want to, leaving the past exactly where it belongs, in the past.  We don’t have to even look at the future.  We can live one second, one minute, one day at a time.  All that matters is the here and now.  I promise I won’t bring up our past ever again as long as we can try to be friends now.

At the very least, he could just find a way to tell me that he is out there and that he is OK, that he is surviving.   When you love someone, you want them to be happy, even if that means you can’t be in each other’s lives anymore.  But for me, a Libra with tons of issues, before I can let someone go, I have to know they will be OK and that they don’t need me anymore.