Everyone has a book of revelations in their life and mine seems to open up every year, on this date.  I overthink and overanalyze my past, present and future.  I constantly think about how to act, what to say or how I should respond on this particular date.  It puts my heart and mind into a tailspin of turmoil every year.  At least it has for the last 14 years.  June 13th is my Mr. Big’s birthday.  This year he is turning 40.

It’s strange how I once thought that I would be spending this milestone birthday with Big.  I thought I would share every milestone with him.  But, alas, the Universe had other plans.  I just wish the Universe would explain something to me.   Why do I still think about Big when we are not in each other’s lives anymore?

I know I shouldn’t even be writing about this.  Last December, I endured a very difficult phone call from an upset Big.  He had found my blog and read every entry I had ever written about him.  I never thought he would read those entries.  (I deleted them out of respect).  I never thought he cared enough to even want to read my thoughts on anything, let alone our past.  I was wrong.  There are two sides to every story and I had only posted my version.  I never knew his.  I still don’t know his side.  I had written about our past so I could let it go.  I thought if I wrote it all down, it would take it out of my head.  I guess I am hoping the same will happen now.  If I put it into written words–“I need to stop thinking about Big”–it will work right?

But it is his birthday.  And it is a big milestone.  He’s 40.  I am so proud of him for all he has accomplished and I have faith that he will find a way to accomplish so much more.  I want to send him good wishes–positive energy.  I want to encourage him to stay focused and not give up on his dreams.  Is that crazy?  Is it crazy that I still love him and want the best for him?  I want him to be happy.  I suddenly feel the need to do my best Dolly Parton impression–or Lorelei Gilmore.

“I wish you joy and happiness . . . but most of all, I wish you love.”  Big, I hope you find everything you are searching for and that the Universe treats you kind.  Happy Birthday!