Tonight’s dinner menu: Kosher Dill Pickle Spears for an appetizer, Butter Pecan Ice Cream with a side of Mashed Potatoes for the main course, and brownie ala mode for dessert. 

Yes, boys and girls, it is the time of month that we all dread; the time when the hormonal monthly enemy takes over.  But thanks to a severe case of Endometriosis, this month is particularly harsh considering this is the month when my left ovary ovulates.  Sorry, I know this may fall into the category of Too Much Information but I am using it as a warning to those who are in close proximity to me, during this time, every other month.  Mark Your Calendars!!!

Last month, I was sooo happy.  I started my new Endo hormone treatment and for the first time in years, I didn’t have the Endo fog brain that sends men and teenagers screaming.  I could think clearly and I was optimistic that I finally found the right treatment. 

In the midst of all this bliss, I overlooked one key factor–each month you ovulate from a different ovary.  My right ovary is in good shape so ovulation isn’t painful.  I can function like a “normal” human during this time period.  Last month, my right ovary must have been in control.

This month, it is up to my left ovary so it is a completely different story–probably one Hitchcock or Stephen King would appreciate. 

So here is a bit of backstory.  My left ovary is black from the endometriosis embedded deep in the tissue–it should be pink.  This is also the side that keeps producing ovarian cysts and endometria tumors.  At one point, my left ovary was even adhesed to my bladder–they fixed that with surgery.  So one can assume that my problem child of an ovary has a wee bit of scar tissue and gets really pissy when she ovulates. 

Many have heard me say that I have gotten into an argument with my left ovary during this time.  When she is in pain, I am in pain.  And she loves to just send sharp, seering pains at the worst times.  I try to point out to her that according to our birth control schedule, she shouldn’t be causing me pain until the actual menstral shedding.  That is when the pain and cramping should occur.  My argument doesn’t hold up against the stabbing pains and the little bitch always wins!

And when my left ovary is in pain and all bitchy, I, in turn, become a highly emotional evil bitch.  The Endo fog brain rolls in during ovulation and lasts until the whole bloody mess is over with.  It is like a hormonal hurricane that leaves so much destruction and devastation in it’s wake that I declare a state of emergency.

This past week, I have been suicidal and homicidal all within the span of several hours.  I will be crying one minute and bellowing an evil laugh the next.  I was so depressed yesterday morning, I was happy after seeing my husabnd Jack Sparrow on the big screen, then I was back  into the depths of despair by the end of the evening–planning on skydiving on Memorial Day because the worst case scenario seemed appealing.  My friend tried to cheer me up by taking me to his haunted workplace.  But I didn’t see any ghosts so I got depressed again.  So they opted to cheer me up with coffee.  But we were on Sunset in Hollywood and I didn’t want to go to Starbucks and run into all the douche bags who are on the prowl so we went to the coffee bar at Hustler Hollywood.  I enjoyed my “Over The Shoulder Mocha Thruster” coffee concoction.  But then I dipped back into a depression when I thought about my singleton status.  It was a horrificly moody rollercoaster of an evening.

Then this morning, I woke up in pain.  I brokedown and took some pain meds–meds that made me want to go on a spiritual journey.  I wanted to go to a monastery and see if I could find answers but I couldn’t remember the name of the one a friend had wanted to take me to.  I had planned on going with him someday but on this glorious morning, I wanted to venture by myself.  I texted him but he didn’t respond.  The hormonal monster inside my brain instantly thought he hated me, that is why he was ignoring me and all I wanted to do was give him a hug but he had to be mad at me for something then I started to get mad so I ended our friendship in a text message–then proceeded to delete him from my life.  A very rational response.  I took more pain meds and cried myself to sleep.

Unfortunately, I still have about a week or so of this Endo fog craziness.  Which will then lead to a few weeks of trying to repair the damage caused by Hurricane Hormonal Kelly.  Ahh, good times!